There was a time in my life when I'd questioned why I could be fairly good at many things, but none of it was deemed useful. I slaved away, day by day, at a normal job that only used a small percentage of all I was capable of. I'd wanted to be valued, seen, and loved so badly, but I barely loved myself enough to let others in. Being in the background was a safe haven, and being invisible was survival. 

At a certain point, I'd worked myself to a point of exhaustion -- not just from labor, but from life itself. Struggling to understand who I was, searching for love in all the wrong places, and continuing to allow life to beat me down, I was ready to quit. Life was not appealing to me. Death was inviting. The only reasons I stayed alive were for the sake of my parents and the idea that, with my unfortunate luck, I'd survive whatever I'd attempted, and I'd hate myself even more for failing at that too. 

The only God I'd understood for the bulk of my life was a God of judgment and wrath and a world of religions that started wars, hating and killing one another. Prior to 2014, I was an atheist who quickly dismissed you for believing in God. There was no way God existed. There was no way, especially after the life I lived, that God was loving. God, in my former opinion, was just this glorified, adult-accepted imaginary friend that helped people cope with life. From my point of view, my heart was full of love, but that wasn't nearly anything God could be. 

I faced nearly every form of abuse: physical, emotional, sexual, and spiritual. I've been homeless, beaten, molested, and raped. I've grown up as the dirty, smelling poor kid who just moved into town. Up until High School, I'd moved every 6-months to a year to an entirely new environment. From the time I could remember however, I cried out for the possibility of there being a God during some of the most traumatic experiences of my life. 

Something in me knew, or at least desired to believe, that someone was out there. But I had grown so accustomed to living life on my own, coping however I saw fit and surviving. I was not looking for God. Instead, I was looking for love from men, substance-induced courage, and adapting whoever I could become to be deemed valuable. I look back on my childhood, as alone as I believed I was, God was always whispering to me. It wasn't necessarily because anyone had brought me to church or taught me to look for Him. Something in me felt so alone that I'd talk to Him anyway, not knowing He was actually listening. All it took was a small seed to be planted, and I don't even remember who planted it... I just know it was planted. 

In 2014 I was sick, utterly broken, and exhausted from trying so hard to fit into a world I'd never fit into. The life I'd built crashed and burned before my eyes, and as a last resort effort to save myself from suicide, I moved to Visalia, CA. In what seemed like the thinnest, nearly invisible thread of hope possible, I met God. I was incredibly hesitant to believe in an omniscient, supernatural God. Although I started attending church and studying the Bible with a wonderful woman named Vera, I wasn't thoroughly invested in Jesus. 

There were even moments I'd told my dad I was faking it just because they were nice. I picked apart the Bible with every question I could, asking why I should believe in silly stories like Noah's Ark and people resurrecting from the dead. By the time I'd read through Matthew, Genesis, Exodus, and the story of King David, only one conclusion came to me... This book is the greatest book I've ever read. Like much of the world's entertainment, it was fueled with tragedy and triumph. I wasn't as concerned with God's wrath, but littered throughout the entire book I saw human imperfection depicted in all kinds of ways. Time and time again people made mistake after mistake, but in the end, God gave us Jesus to atone for every single mistake.

God's mercy became this big, beautiful opportunity, a light in a very dark place. Suddenly, every mistake I'd ever made didn't matter, so long as I decided I actually wanted to change. I learned about repentance in that it's not just a quick, "I'm sorry..." and then I continue to make the same mistake without worry. Repentance, being birthed in conviction, became a "I don't want to be this person anymore..." and it drove me to become what Christians call "a new creation." But this was just the beginning of my walk, and as it turns out, this cycle of learning, growing, making a mistake, feeling convicted, falling into repentance, and learning again... It's nearly never-ending. 

Ever since those early days of reading the Bible with a fine-tooth comb and the determination to prove God's existence to be false... I've been a missionary who lived on faith alone for nearly 3 years, traveled the world, experienced God on many levels, and changed from Atheist to radical for the love of Jesus. Today, I am leading many individuals and small groups teaching people the love of God, their identity in God, and how to cope with a broken world. I'm also the worship leader for my church and as a worship leader, I encourage spirit-led worship and unashamed love for the Father, fostering and welcoming His Presence for others to encounter Him. My worship is focused on surrendering as a living sacrifice to let Him move and speak through me -- teaching others that we lead by example. 

He's allowed me to speak, sing, and minister from all over the world and now at my home church: The Life Church Visalia. I've also had the honor of serving other local ministries/churches by helping with various marketing elements and singing or speaking wherever I am called. I don't just get to help small businesses, budding entrepreneurs, ministries, and churches grow and thrive, but I help unite the body of Christ, encourage growth and confidence in God, and spread His heartbeat like wildfire.

All I desire is that others may see the God I see. Even in the midst of my storms (and I do still struggle with the storms of life) I am filled with hope. I look back on my life and realize that life is truly so much easier, regardless of the trials I come across, because I have a God to trust and rely on. He is faithful and has never let me fall too hard that I couldn't get back up and turn the ugly into something beautiful. Everything in my life is a testimony and can be used to shed light on just how good of a God He is. 

Today, not one of my gifts goes unused. Everything I have ever been good at has become something of value to help others. So, I'm doing everything I do because I never thought I could, never believed I was valuable and worthy enough. I'm doing this because He tells me I am His, and as His, I hope to spread His heart wherever He calls me to.